on the blog . . .
Heartbreak and Healing
* Before anyone thinks the worst, the baby and I are fine! I only just realized this morning how the title and photo could give the impression otherwise *
I struggled with how to write this post this week. I want to say so much but then I second guess myself. I want to share and be totally honest and real with you, but I've experienced some dark, heavy stuff and I get scared of dragging you down by writing about it here, but then it doesn't do you (or me!) any good to just gloss over what's real, even if it's hard to write. The positivity that you see in me is real, that's a huge part of my personality, but I struggle with a lot, too. So instead of just telling you that and moving on, I want to dive even deeper this week than I have so far.
* Before anyone thinks the worst, the baby and I are fine! I only just realized this morning how the title and photo could give the impression otherwise *
I struggled with how to write this post this week. I want to say so much but then I second guess myself. I want to share and be totally honest and real with you, but I've experienced some dark, heavy stuff and I get scared of dragging you down by writing about it here, but then it doesn't do you (or me!) any good to just gloss over what's real, even if it's hard to write. The positivity that you see in me is real, that's a huge part of my personality, but I struggle with a lot, too. So instead of just telling you that and moving on, I want to dive even deeper this week than I have so far.
Waiting for my occupational therapist in the rehab hospital.
When I was healing from my accident for the first few years, I yearned for someone who would just "get it." My heart was hurting so much and I was so tired of trying to explain what I was going through all the time, and even my amazing husband who was with me through the entire hospital ordeal had no way of fully understanding the effect the crash itself and the TBI had had on me.
I remember nights where I would cry so hard I would wail and scream to the point I couldn't breathe. I felt like my heart was breaking in half. Once, my husband said to me (at the time he was still my fiancé), "I know" when I expressed how hard it was for me emotionally. But instead of feeling comforted, I yelled at him, "NO! you DON'T KNOW!" and angrily sobbed some more into a pillow. Then I felt really bad for snapping at him but he quietly left the room with an, "ok" and let me cry it out.
I was frustrated and hurting and so desperate to just feel "better" like, YESTERDAY. I didn't know myself and I felt like a huge piece of me was lost, never to be found. I was healing but I still felt broken, inside and out, and I felt like I had been robbed of my joy. The worst part was fully remembering who I'd been before I got hurt and how all the things I was capable of "before" now seemed so out of reach. I felt like a stranger to myself because the new me was so foreign, and unwanted!
Learning to walk with a cane in the rehab hospital, my physiotherapist, Karen, guiding me.
I hated that new, unknown me. I hated myself for being "weak", sad all the time, and incapable of just bouncing back to "normal". I just wanted to get the old me back and I wasn't willing to accept this person I had seemed to become. I knew I would never be exactly the same but I wanted to be a normal human being again, not this broken, brain-injured girl. I felt so frustrated and impatient and angry. I still wanted to do epic things with my life! To have a fulfilling career, change the world, help people, have a family, travel the world... basically DO IT ALL. I think I set even higher expectations for myself after being injured than I'd had for myself before I got hurt. Probably not the kindest thing I could do for my body that was already doing the best it could...
But with my bar set super high for myself, I worked hard to heal. It was a slow process but I tried everything I could think of and afford. I even used a few sessions paid for by my health insurance to try getting therapy to treat my PTSD and the grief I knew I hadn't fully processed. The therapists I went to didn't help though. One just let me talk, but didn't give me any tools, really, to deal with what I was telling her. And the other, she told me that I should just accept who I was now instead of striving to get better. Cue the raised eyebrows and, "EXCUSE ME?!" that ran through my head.
Learning to climb stairs with my right leg doing all the work. I was wearing an eyepatch when not in PT to help correct my double vision.
I already understood that there were many things that I couldn't change about my body and my life, and I had to accept them. I have hardware in my body that will never come out. I have scars, my brain works a little differently and I need more rest than I used to. I can never run for exercise again. But now I know I can live with and manage those things. I can accept them. What I couldn't accept was allowing myself to slip into a mindset of "this is good enough," where I would just stop trying. No way. I'm a fighter and a problem solver... even to my own detriment.
When I was in the hospital with a feeding tube, I was too brain injured to understand its necessity. All I felt was this awful tube taped to my face, going up my nose and down into my stomach and I hated it. To me it was a problem and it made me uncomfortable, so I figured out a way to fix the problem.
I pulled it out.
17 times.
And when they tied my hand to the bed so I couldn't reach it, I brought my face to my hand and continued to pull it out! Seriously. Even after all those times, I never realized that pulling it out meant that it would have to go back in again. That realization really sucked, every time. But my problem solving skills were intact! Just not that little part of my brain that understood consequences...
I used to wear this face all too often. Frustrated, confused, mad, upset... With time, I learned to move past that and find joy again.
When it came to my recovery though, having something to focus on and fight for was giving me purpose and it's that feeling of purpose that helped me get to where I am now. And now, my focus and my purpose, and many of you probably guessed, is this baby that's growing inside me.
Obviously the baby brings me a lot of joy and has totally shifted my focus away from trying to "fix" the remaining challenges I still face due to my injuries, but before I conceived, I found that giving more attention to my passions and following my heart was creating space for my joy to return. The less I let what "happened to me" control how I felt and the less attention I gave to my "cognitive deficiencies", the more I could do more of what made me happy and gave me confidence. But this whole pregnancy thing is opening up a whole new level of understanding, knowledge and perspective on healing and wellness.
You know what's amazing? Despite the TBI and 14 broken bones, including my hip and my pelvis, I have a NORMAL pregnancy! It's not high risk! I was so sure it would be and I was so scared, but our bodies are AMAZING. From conception, everything has been perfect. Normal ultrasounds, normal wellness checks, happy and healthy mama and baby. Can you believe it?! It's teaching me to trust my body and what it can do. Obviously I help it out where I can through food, movement and staying mindful, but it knows what to do and I'm trusting it.
One thing my husband and I are doing before my due date is taking a hypnobirthing course together to help both of us prepare for the birth. Before you get all "oh no she's just going to talk about weird pregnancy stuff now," bear with me because this applies to all of us.
It's actually not a weird woo woo thing (it really needs a new name) and it will give us the tools, knowledge and techniques to have a beautiful birth, without fear. We're aiming for a natural birth and from what I've learned so far is that regardless of how the baby decides to be born and no matter what happens (even if a c-section or other intervention becomes necessary, which were big fears of mine going into it ), the hypnobirthing course will give us the ability to navigate it all without a ton of stress and fear.
Peace is totally possible.
So how does that apply to you? Learning about birth, which is another big, life changing event (although much more positive than my accident was), is teaching me that so many of the same things apply to life, healing and wellness. Education is key, and so is your team - the people you have around you who are supposed to help you. I need to trust the people who have so much control over my and our baby's health, and our whole birth experience! If I don't feel comfortable with them, I'll be tense, birth will be harder and it may mean a higher likelihood of medical intervention, and all that means healing may take longer and be harder, and I could be in more pain.
Trusting my team allows me to relax and trust the process, and sets me up for healing and recovery before labor even starts. Education, knowing what to expect (as much as you can), knowing your options ahead of time and knowing what your rights are are all vital to feeling calm and prepared when I go into labor, too... but those things ALL apply to any experience with healthcare providers and hospitals and treatment! It doesn't matter if you need surgery, or physical therapy, or a prescription. We all need a good team around us, we need to be able to ask all the questions we want to ask, and we need to have our healthcare team respect our wishes and our personal plan for wellness. My team after my accident was amazing and I'm still in touch with many of the people who cared for me at the accident scene and in the hospital. And now, the doctors I have in my life make me feel totally cared for. It really makes all the difference.
I'm in my third trimester now - the home stretch! I am so grateful for everything I'm learning and even more so for how it applies to my wellness journey overall but while I still feel great, fatigue is starting to mount and I still have so much prep to do! I hope you'll forgive me for taking some time away. A little self-imposed maternity leave of sorts. I am growing a little person after all, and I need to take time to properly prepare for his arrival, but it means the world to me to stay connected to you. I'll still be posting to social media and maybe blogging if I can, so make sure you're following me on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter so you don't miss any posts and so we can keep getting to know each other. All of you reading are truly in my heart and I don't want to lose touch with you.
And I'd love to know, what are some really hard things you've dealt with and how did you get through it? How do you take care of yourself and your healing process? What do you do to make sure you're getting the help and support you need? Let me know in the comments below.
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Nourish Body and Mind: Make These 3 Easy Meals
When I cook, I want it to be easy, straightforward and give me a delicious, nutritious dish when I'm done. I do NOT want to slave over a hot stove all day! Do you feel the same way? Unless you're a chef and it's what you love to do... I'll be honest, I don't cook much because my husband is ridiculously talented in the kitchen and he cooks for me (I am blessed!) but when I do cook, I also want to enjoy the process and know I'm making something that will make me feel great instead of gross. So that means EASY with real, whole ingredients, cooking from scratch and not using a junky mix out of a box. Don't be intimidated. If I can do it, you can too! These are 3 recipes I love that are super easy to make, healthy, and most importantly, delicious ! Healthy food doesn't have to taste like sawdust. As my husband says, "It's not good for me if I won't eat it!"
When I cook, I want it to be easy, straightforward and give me a delicious, nutritious dish when I'm done. I do NOT want to slave over a hot stove all day! Do you feel the same way? Unless you're a chef and it's what you love to do... I'll be honest, I don't cook much because my husband is ridiculously talented in the kitchen and he cooks for me (I am blessed!) but when I do cook, I also want to enjoy the process and know I'm making something that will make me feel great instead of gross. So that means EASY with real, whole ingredients, cooking from scratch and not using a junky mix out of a box. Don't be intimidated. If I can do it, you can too! These are 3 recipes I love that are super easy to make, healthy, and most importantly, delicious ! Healthy food doesn't have to taste like sawdust. As my husband says, "It's not good for me if I won't eat it!"
When I made my first meal in the rehab hospital (it was a task I had to do as part of my occupational therapy), I chose what I thought would be easy. Grilled cheese and boxed mac'n'cheese. The mac'n'cheese is JUNK, I know, but back then I was taking it one step at a time. I just wanted to make some food and not burn the building down!
And the building remains! Woohoo!
Except I totally burned the grilled cheese. Like burned it black.
So my confidence in the kitchen was not at its highest and I didn't cook much at all for a few years. With a TBI, I realized how much divided, focused attention cooking requires and it was HARD. And really tiring. It's still not the easiest thing for me if I try to do too much. Which I do, often, because I still have that pesky high achiever thing going... but if I stick with what works and I go easy on myself with stuff like one-pot meals or food that doesn't require focused attention for long, I do fine.
Reheating leftovers is still a go-to for me but I can cook stuff now without resorting to processed garbage out of a box or the frozen food aisle. Since nutrition was so integral to my healing to this point and remains crucial to supporting a healthy brain and body, my husband and I usually cook things from scratch (we get restaurant takeout - never fast food - sometimes like any normal person, too) and make the effort to choose healthy ingredients to prepare.
Most convenience foods will have preservatives, artificial additives and low quality, cheap, ingredients designed to save the company money (not boost nutrition). If you follow The Food Babe, she's been instrumental in shedding light on what's really in our processed food and getting companies to remove some of their harmful ingredients from their products. I don't love or agree with EVERYTHING she posts, but she is doing what companies and our government will not do. It's worth looking at her investigations to see some of the truth about what's in processed foods.
The easiest way to avoid all that processed "food" that's so unhealthy... is to cook. Not prepare or assemble something from a package yourself, but cook it from scratch! Like I said, I don't want to spend hours in the kitchen. I get tired if I stand or have to focus for too long so I need to be able to make healthy food quickly and easily! These are 3 recipes I love and hope you do too. They also happen to be gluten free!
Please use organic ingredients whenever possible:
Coconut Almond Granola
If you follow me on social media, you probably saw me post this photo on Friday! This is the granola and it is so so good! When you make it, let me know how it goes in the comments below!
You will need:
•4 cups rolled oats (certified gluten free if you are very sensitive to gluten)
• 1/3 cup refined coconut oil - I love Nutiva (the refined oil doesn't have a strong coconut flavor. If you want that, use extra virgin coconut oil!)
• 1 cup raw almonds
• 1/2 cup shelled sunflower seeds
• 1/2 cup dried shredded coconut
• 1/3 cup sesame seeds
• 1/3 cup raisins
• 1/3 cup chopped pitted dates
• 1/4 - 1/2 cup of local raw honey or real maple syrup - 1/2 cup honey will make granola quite sticky and sweet, less will still make a delicious (less sweet) granola.
Pre-heat oven to 350º F.
Warm the coconut oil (stovetop or microwave) until it's runny and pourable. Pour over the oats and mix well, coating oats evenly.
Spread oats on a baking sheet as evenly as possible. Bake for about 20-25 mins, stirring every few minutes until toasted and light brown. Let cool.
Warm honey/maple syrup until very runny and easily pourable.
Add cooled oats to a mixing bowl. Add almonds.
Pour warm honey/maple syrup over oats and almonds and mix well, coating evenly (pictured above).
Add remaining raw ingredients (seeds, coconut, dried fruit) and mix well (pictured left).
LET COOL COMPLETELY.
As it cools, the honey will get sticky and hard. If you spread the mixture on a cookie sheet to cool, it's easier to break apart and add to your chosen storage container.
If broken into large chunks, it makes a great snack to bring with you in a bag or container. If broken into smaller pieces and eaten with plain yogurt, organic milk or a unsweetened non-dairy milk, it's an awesome, filling granola for breakfast or a snack! I love sliced bananas or fresh berries on mine in the morning.
Quinoa and Kale Pilaf
This dish can be a meal on its own, or an amazing side dish. Quinoa (pronounced keen-wa) is a pseudo-grain that is packed with protein and contains antioxidants. I also love making quinoa salad in the summer by combining cooked quinoa, chopped veg and my vinaigrette (recipe included if you sign up for my newsletter!)
You will need:
• I cup quinoa
• 2 cups of bone broth or homemade vegetable/chicken/beef broth (we sometimes use Pacific Foods organic vegetable broth when we don't have homemade broth because it has no added sugar.)
• 1/4 red onion, chopped
• large pinch of salt
• 1/2 box or 7 or 8 whole mushrooms, sliced
• 1 tablespoon of garlic, chopped (less or more to your taste)
• 1 teaspoon balsamic vinegar or white wine.
• 1/2 box of pre-washed baby kale or one bunch of kale, stems and ribs removed, coarsely chopped
• 1/4 block of goat milk feta cheese
• black pepper to taste
In the pot you will use to cook the quinoa, sautee onion in butter (grassfed, organic if possible!) with a large pinch of salt, over med-low heat until translucent.
Add sliced mushrooms and stir until they start to soften. Add a tsp/capful of balsamic vinegar or wine - adds flavor and helps deglaze the pot.
Add the chopped garlic (I got a little jar of pre-chopped garlic to make preparation even easier!) and stir. We REALLY like garlic so if you don't want it, don't add it, or add less! Totally up to you.
Add the cup of quinoa to the pot with the onions, mushrooms and garlic and stir to coat. Immediately add 2 cups of broth. Cover pot! Bring to a boil, immediately reduce to simmer and allow to cook, covered over low heat, for 15 minutes.
After 15 minutes, add the kale directly on top of the cooking quinoa - it should just about fill the pot - and re-cover for 5 minutes! The kale will wilt and reduce in volume in a big way, and the quinoa will finish cooking. Cooking the kale with the quinoa this way helps conserve nutrients that would get lost if it were steamed or sauteed alone because the water in the kale goes into the quinoa.
Remove the cover and remove from heat. Quinoa should be moist and soft (not mushy) with no water remaining in the pot.
Crumble feta cheese over the cooked quinoa and kale, and stir! You are done! Delicious, healthy food awaits. And if you, or your kids, won't eat kale alone, this is a great way to sneak it into a meal.
Fish and Chips made health(ier) with homemade tartar sauce
This recipe has a lot more components and steps than the others, but if that intimidates you, just try one thing! The tartar sauce can be made ahead of time so try making that the day before. It's EASY.
You could have the fish alone or with steamed veggies, or the fries as a side dish in another meal... both keep warm in the oven really well while you throw together something else to go with them. Lots of ways to try cooking each part until you're comfortable doing it all!
And I know... fish'n'chips.... HEALTHY? Is she crazy?!
No, I'm not.
If it weren't for potatoes producing acrylamide when heated to high heat (and to some extent the fish batter), this WOULD be pretty healthy. But there were ways to minimize the production of acrylamide during cooking and by carefully choosing your ingredients, even the tartar sauce isn't bad - especially if you only use a little for added flavor. Just don't drown your fish in it or eat it every day, and avoid burning or heavily browning the fries. Cooking the fries and fish in coconut oil is great because coconut oil is a healthy oil and a saturated fat, very stable at high heat so it will not oxidize or go rancid like vegetable oils can. It also has a slew of other health benefits. I love this version of fish and chips better than any I've tried back home on the east coast or in any restaurant anywhere. Thanks to my father-in-law for the tartar sauce recipe!
For the Tartar Sauce you will need:
• 1/2 cup sour cream - I love Green Valley Organics lactose free sour cream (or substitute greek yogurt). Eating fat does not make you fat. Just choose high quality, clean sources of healthy fats.
• 1/2 cup mayonnaise - we use Sir Kensington's non-GMO certified mayo. Most mayonnaise is made with canola or soybean oils that are almost always genetically modified unless they are organic. See my What's A GMO link for why I avoid them.
• 2 tbsp fresh tarragon or dill - we used dill for this.
• 2 tbsp dill pickle relish - we just chopped up some dill pickles we already had in the fridge.
• 2 tbsp capers, drained and minced.
• 1 tbsp minced shallot
• 1 tbsp white wine vinegar
• 1 tbsp lemon zest, minced fine.
• 1 tsp dijon mustard
• 1/2 tsp sugar - we used honey (local, raw) because we didn't have any sugar
• 1/2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
• small splash Tabasco
• pinch salt
• pinch black pepper
Combine all ingredients, seasoning with Tabasco, salt and pepper at the end to taste. That's it! You will never buy tartar sauce again.
For the Chips (fries) you will need:
Warm oven to keep fries hot and crispy after frying
• 4 medium Yukon Gold potatoes - these are a low-starch potato that won't produce as much acrylamide. They are denser and less fluffy than Russet potatoes which produces a better fry.
• 1 jar (23 oz) refined coconut oil - We use Nutiva
• sea salt for seasoning
Thoroughly wash/peel potatoes. We buy organic potatoes and like to leave the skins on.
Cut the potatoes into rectangular, fry-shaped strips. Discard (compost!) any potato bits that are a lot smaller or skinnier than the rest. These pieces will burn when fried.
Rinse the raw, cut fries under water to remove excess starch. Place in a bowl, cover with water and let soak for 2 hours to pull more starch out of the potatoes. These steps will further reduce acrylamide produced by cooking at high heat.
Thoroughly pat dry. Wet potatoes will essentially steam themselves in the oil, and cause it to foam, and won't fry up crispy :(
Heat coconut oil in a deep pan to 340º F. Use a candy thermometer to check the temp. If the oil is too cold, the fries will be greasy.
If you want do it by eye, test the heat of the oil by dropping a single piece of potato into the hot oil. If nothing really happens, the oil is still too cold. If it bubbles furiously and turns brown quickly, it's too hot! It should sizzle and bubble a little bit and turn a nice light golden brown while cooking all the way through after a few minutes.
Place raw fries into the oil in small batches to avoid dropping the temperature of the oil too much. Keep frying in small batches, letting the oil come back up to 335º between batches, until light golden brown and cooked through. About 8-9 minutes.
Yukon Gold potatoes are stiffer and less fluffy than Russets so they will make a denser fry. Frying at 340º instead of 350º gives them more time to book through before becoming dark brown.
*** If you want to speed up the frying process, parboil all the cut, raw fries first for about 5 minutes and then drop into ice water so they stop cooking. Thoroughly pat dry, THEN fry at a slightly higher temp (350º F). They will fry up faster and get crispy.***
Place fries on paper towel to drain excess oil and salt the fries immediately as they become ready.
Place on a cookie sheet in warm oven while you fry the fish.
For the Fish you will need:
• 1 pound cod or other flaky, white fish
• 1 cup brown rice flour + extra for dusting fish
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 tsp dill
• 1 tsp powdered garlic
• pinch black pepper
• 3/4 cup COLD carbonated water
• 2 eggs
• refined coconut oil leftover from cooking the fries.
Gently rinse fish in cold water and pat dry. For large filets, cut them into smaller pieces. They will cook more evenly this way.
Mix dry ingredients in a large bowl. Mix water and eggs separately, then stir into dry ingredients. Mix until smooth.
Lightly coat fish with extra rice flour, then place fish fillets in batter mixture. Coat well and let stand for 10-15 minutes.
Heat oil to 350º F. You can use the same pan you used to fry the french fries. Don't fry the fish first, and then the potatoes!
Fishy fries. Ew.
Gently place small batches of battered fish into the oil. Do small batches to avoid dropping the oil temperature.
Fry until light golden brown and crispy - about 8 minutes. Turn the fillets regularly to avoid scorching the batter.
Remove fish and place of paper towels to drain excess oil. Keep warm in the oven until all the fish is cooked.
Serve with fries and tartar sauce!
*** This fish batter makes a beautiful tempura batter, too! So if you want to make tempura veggies instead of fries, just batter and fry them before you do the fish! We've made amazing vegetarian soft tacos with tempura fried veggies for one of my vegetarian friends using this batter. So good! ***
If you make any or all of these recipes, please let me know how it goes and if you like/hate them in the comments below! I'd truly love to know. Have fun in the kitchen!
xoxo Maggie
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How I Transformed My Scars
This week's post is a lot more personal than I've been getting. Honestly, it's hard for me to go down this road and share with you like this. It's much easier for me to share information that I've experienced to be vital for wellness and healing, but is still mostly objective. I hide behind my journalism training, I'll admit. I know it can make it harder for you to connect with me in a more personal way. But now I'm ready to share this with you.
This week's post is a lot more personal than I've been getting. Honestly, it's hard for me to go down this road and share with you like this. It's much easier for me to share information that I've experienced to be vital for wellness and healing, but is still mostly objective. I hide behind my journalism training, I'll admit. I know it can make it harder for you to connect with me in a more personal way. But now I'm ready to share this with you.
My accident left me with 14 broken bones. From my left foot to my cheeks, I was in pieces and my orthopedic surgeon literally put me back together. I am so grateful and because of him, I can walk but the accident and the repair of my body left me with scars. Big ones. Many visible, many unseen, and all difficult to bear.
The images below are different stages of repair in my left femur. Broken, after the rod was placed and a year and a half later. The uneven modeling of the healed bone is still like that - I can feel it - and the rod will stay in my leg for life.
For years, every time I'd look in the mirror, I'd cringe when I saw the marks on my skin reminding me of the trauma and fear and pain I had experienced. And the emotional scars inside, usually kept safely out of sight, would surface at the most unexpected and inopportune times, making me cry spontaneously in front of complete strangers. It was awful. I hated how my physical scars looked and I was so sick of CRYING so damn much. I have never cried so much in my life as I have over The Accident.
But one day one of my best friends, Mel Says, showed me the Instagram account of a tattoo artist named Dr. Woo who tattoos at the Shamrock Social Club in West Hollywood . I already had a few smallish tattoos on my back but when I saw his work, I was enchanted.
I NEEDED to get a tattoo from this man and although my first ideas where for something small to fit with what I already had, I suddenly had the idea of covering one of the scars on my thigh. And then I realized if I was considering covering one, why not cover all of the scars on my upper leg?! I felt they were my most glaring and ugly scars and I hated them so much. Living in California, we can go to the beach year round and I'd had people ask me, "what happened?!" when they saw them. Those scars forced me to re-live what had happened every time they were exposed and I needed to be free of them in order to continue my healing. I also knew that plastic surgery or cosmetic dermatology meant more medical intervention and likely over $10,000, neither of which appealed to me!
So I got in touch with Dr. Woo and scheduled my first session for around my birthday. When we started, he used a pencil sketch and some photos that I brought him to draw a freehand design directly on my leg with markers.
There were very few changes. His design was perfect.
As he started to tattoo the outline and I felt the pain of the tattoo needle, I remember being overcome with gratitude. Even though it hurt, I felt so grateful to be alive, to be feeling the discomfort, and to be there in that moment, getting this incredible piece of custom art tattooed on my body. The emotion brought tears to my eyes but I breathed through it, desperately not wanting to cry in front of the "tough" tattoo guys in this iconic shop on Sunset Boulevard! I know now they would have been very sweet if I had cried, but still.
Click to view larger
This tattoo started as a way to cover my scars, to hide the ugly and try to erase this piece of the trauma... but as time went by, I realized this tattoo had allowed me to transform these scars into something beautiful. The scars are still there, I cannot erase them and they are still deep and painful and I feel them every day, but they no longer have power over me. When I look in the mirror and see my tattoo, I don't see my scars anymore and I can smile.
My completed tattoo.
What I see now is this amazing, gorgeous tree. Gnarled and weathered, twisted by growth and wind and life, but standing strong and budding out as if in the spring, full of life. When I see it, I remember the experience of my sessions at Shamrock where I was in amazing company, instead of being reminded of the worst moment of my life. It was truly transformative, physically and emotionally.
Dr. Woo and the other tattooers in the shop laughed and talked with me through hours-long sessions (my longest one was 5 hours!) and made the whole experience more positive than I could have hoped for, and guys, if you read this, I am still so grateful. Thanks.
Dr. Woo was incredibly kind and easy to talk to, and he made the whole experience more than worth the 2+ hour drive to see him. This video about Dr. Woo went up on MrPorter.com recently and you should watch it and read the article. It'll give you a good idea of the man he is. I feel really blessed to have discovered him and had him be the one to do this tattoo for me.
. It reads: "It is courage that splits the acorn and sends the rootlet down into the soil..." and speaks to how courage is inherent in all living things. It is not a thirst for conflict, but just a quiet little piece of ourselves that is incredibly brave and always present. It reminds me that courage is not something I need to get from somewhere else - it is in me already and is always there when I need it. This idea, and that whole book, pulled me through some very dark times. If you enjoy well-written fantasy novels (not cheesy), I highly recommend it.
My tattoo made an appearance while shooting photos for next week's post. If I look closely, I can still see the scars underneath but even I have to look for them now. Click to view larger. Photo by Mel Says
The tattoo also helped me feel like I had control over what happens to my body again. I didn't ask for the injuries, and as grateful as I am to my surgeons, I didn't get to consent to surgery either. I was unconscious (or close to) and all the repair was done out of necessity - not because I asked for it. It all led to me feeling like I had given up control over my body, which is not like me at all under normal circumstances! Getting tattooed was a way for me to take what had happened to me and make it my own again. I was now in control of what my skin looked like, of what people saw, and what it meant.
My body has many other scars that are not tattooed, but tattooing this part of me helped me to start accepting my other scars as they are. It helps that they are fading with time, for sure, but I still feel them running deep through every layer of skin, fascia and muscle, right to the bone. I feel the adhesions that restrict my movement, I feel the changes in the bones that keep me from using my body in every way I'd like to. I'd be lying if I said I've fully accepted my body the way it is now because I truly believe I can still regain more of what my injuries took from me. But I've come to terms, more or less, with how my scars look and I know that they serve a purpose. My scars are part of me and they help me to practice yoga everywhere in my everyday. They help me with mindfulness. Did you know yoga means union? Yoga stretches far beyond the mat and my scars remind me to be grateful for everything I have and also serve to show others who have been through similar stuff that I know what they suffer.
That's really the driving force behind my desire to help people; to help you. I've been through some of the worst imaginable stuff, but I got through it. I've been "there" and I know suffering. But I also know it gets better and I want to help people achieve a recovery they feel equals "better". Because that's all that matters - that you feel "better", not that other people see you that way. No one can know what it is to be "all better" except you, the one who went through it.
Am I the same? No way. But no matter what we go through, life changes us and we are never the same. The trick is knowing how to accept the things we cannot change and integrate them into who we are now, and love those parts of ourselves! It is also having the strength to put in the time and work needed to heal or strengthen what can be changed. And to seek help when it's needed because no one can do it all, alone. It's not easy but there is a way. I want to help you find your way.
I am bionic now and this hardware will be in me until the end. I've inquired about having it removed - I had the rod taken out of my left tibia last year! But the rest is too difficult to remove and could do more harm than good. My arm has delicate nerves that could be irreversibly damaged by more surgery, and the rod in my femur is completely inside the bone - removing it would mean essentially breaking my leg again. No thanks.
I am scarred but now I know that my scars show that I have lived. None of us get through life without them, whether they're physical or emotional. Learning to make my scars my own and accept them has allowed me to reach another level of healing. It's like forgiveness, when we stop being angry. Hating my scars was only hurting me more and preventing me from healing a part of myself. I am still aware of every mark of my body but I am simply mindful of them. Aware, but not grieving their presence. They serve me now, in a way, to bring yoga and mindfulness into my life every day. If you read my interview with Bethany at From the Pasture, I talked about how yoga was one of the most helpful things I did for my healing. It still is.
You will probably see my other scars show up in photos in my blogs or on social media... I hope seeing mine helps you to accept yours in some way. I can talk about them now so if you have questions or need to share something, please feel free. Comments, email, I'm always listening.
xoxo Maggie
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What's a GMO? What You Need To Know
A lot of us have heard of GMOs but I think a lot more people have never heard of them and have no idea what they are! GMOs are everywhere in our food now, but are they bad for us? Some say they are the only way to feed the world, others say they're harming our health. Personally, I avoid them. The information circulating about GMOs can sounds pretty scary and confusing so I want to help you be informed.
A lot of us have heard of GMOs but I think a lot more people have never heard of them and have no idea what they are! GMOs are everywhere in our food now, but are they bad for us? Some say they are the only way to feed the world, others say they're harming our health. Personally, I avoid them. The information circulating about GMOs can sounds pretty scary and confusing so I want to help you be informed.
If you find it hard to believe that a lot of people have no idea what a GMO is, whatch this bit from Jimmy Kimmel:
GMO is an abbreviation for Genetically Modified Organism.
A GMO is any plant or animal that has had its DNA altered by artificially introducing the DNA of a unrelated living organism into its genetic makeup. This is different from traditional cross-breeding or hybridization where related plants are cross-pollinated or grafted together, like making a pluot by combining a plum and an apricot (both stone fruits). Cross-breeding is a type of genetic modification but GMO does not refer to this.
GMOs are transgenic. The transfer of foreign genes to create GMOs is done so that the organism being altered will display specific traits not naturally inherent in it, like making a plant resistant to herbicides that would otherwise kill it, or making it produce its own insecticide. One of the first GMOs was a tomato that contained fish genes.
GMOs are now present in most processed food. The majority of corn, soybean, canola, cotton and sugar beet crops are genetically engineered (GE) to be at least herbicide tolerant. This means they can be sprayed with toxic herbicides like Roundup and they won't die. According to the USDA, as of 2013, 90% of corn, 90% of cotton and 93% of soybeans grown in the US are genetically engineered. Some GE crops are solely herbicide tolerant(HT), some produce their own insecticide (Bt), but most of the acres planted do both ( possess "stacked" GE traits). "While corn, cotton, and soybeans account for the vast majority of GE acreage in the U.S., other GE crops commercially grown include HT canola, HT sugar beets, HT alfalfa, virus-resistant papaya, and virus-resistant squash," says a USDA article.
GMOs are NOT natural and there is no scientific consensus about their safety.
Why I Avoid GMOs and Choose Organic Instead:
While some plants have been genetically engineered to protect crops from viruses that were destroying them, or to increase a plant's nutritional value, the majority of GE crops grown in the US are herbicide tolerant.
These crops have been developed by the same companies that make the herbicides that are used on the HT crops.
Personally, I don't believe that chemical companies responsible for things like Agent Orange, dioxin, BPA and other toxic chemicals should be making the seeds that grow our food. My body has been through so much already (hasn't yours, too? Because, well... life), I have no interest in exposing it to chemicals that make healthy living, wellness and healing more difficult.
Inserting DNA from an unrelated organism into a plant may have unknown side effects. No long-term studies have been done on humans to determine whether or not GMOs cause health problems but the American Academy of Environmental Medicine wrote in 2009 that, "because GM foods pose a serious health risk in the areas of toxicology, allergy and immune function, reproductive health, and metabolic, physiologic and genetic health and are without benefit, the AAEM believes that it is imperative to adopt the precautionary principle, which is one of the main regulatory tools of the European Union environmental and health policy and serves as a foundation for several international agreements."
Since GMOs are predominantly designed to withstand applications of chemical herbicides that we know to be toxic, it does not make sense to me to eat them. The main ingredient or "active principle" in Roundup is glyphosate and while the toxicity of pure glyphosate seems to be very low, Roundup is not just glyphosate. A study shows that the final formulation of Roundup that contains other ingredients and adjuvants "was among the most toxic herbicides and insecticides tested."
I choose to eat organic food instead of just "non-GMO certified" because even though a crop is not GE doesn't mean it hasn't been sprayed with the same toxic pesticides used on GMOS and other pesticides that are widely used in conventional agriculture. Many of these pesticides have been named "obesogens" and are linked to causing obesity, many are neurotoxins and some are linked to causing cancer, too! You can read my post on why organic food can save you right here.
GMO crops - What, Where and Why:
CORN:
Sweet corn (also known as table corn), the kind we eat as "corn on the cob," is a new GE crop, first made available for planting in the fall of 2011. It is stacked with both HT and Bt traits.
GE dent corn (or field corn) has been planted and grown since the mid-90s. It is used for livestock feed, high fructose corn syrup, ethanol, corn oil, liquor etc. and is the type of corn used for making cornmeal, cornstarch and corn flour.
Corn engineered to produce its own insecticide has a bacterial toxin called Bacillus thuringiensis, or Bt, in its cells. Insects can become resistant to this toxin and Bt crops themselves are registered pesticides with the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) as a "plant incorporated protectants".
Corn engineered to be herbicide tolerant (HT) is most often "Roundup Ready" (RR crops are developed by Monsanto, who also makes Roundup). Corn that is Roundup Ready can be doused in the herbicide, Roundup, to kill offending weeds but the corn itself will survive.
SOYBEANS:
Soy is engineered to be a HT crop. Soybeans are used to produce soy milk, tofu, tamari, soy sauce, edamame, vegetable oil, soy lecithin etc. A Turkish study found GMO soy to negatively affect kidney, liver and testicular tissues in rats. "The results of all the parameters evaluated in our investigation were consistent and confirm that the GM diet fed to rats for 30, 60, or 90 days caused significant histopathological, biochemical, and cytogenetic changes in all examined tissues."
COTTON:
Cotton is engineered to be both Bt and Roundup Ready - this is the source for the majority of cottonseed oil used in cooking, and the cotton used for clothing fabric.
CANOLA:
GE canola was introduced in 1998. The majority of Canadian grown Canola is also GE. It is the source of most canola oil on the market. It is engineered to be HT and transgenic canola has been found to escape cultivated areas and flourish in the wild.
SUGAR BEETS:
USDA announced deregulation (allowed planting)of GE sugar beets in July, 2012. The beets are genetically engineered to be HT (Roundup Ready). Table or granulated white sugar is made from sugar beets, unless the package states that it is 100% cane sugar.
PAPAYA:
The Rainbow papaya is engineered to be resistant to the papaya ringspot virus. It is grown in Hawaii.
SQUASH:
Yellow crookneck and straightneck (yellow summer squash) and zucchini have been engineered to resist a virus that can destroy these crops. The GE variety was deregulated in 1994.
ALFALFA:
Engineered to be resistant to the herbicide Roundup and deregulated in 2011. Alfalfa is used as feed for livestock and this may threaten organic farmers' certification if pollen from GE alfalfa contaminates organic crops with its transgenic DNA.
Other crops like wheat, rice and potatoes have been genetically modified but are not grown in the U.S. at this time. There have been instances of unapproved GE wheat being found in Oregon and Montana in recent years, however.
You can read about the crops that are seeking USDA approval for deregulation here:
Petitions for Determination of Nonregulated Status
The big crops we hear the most about are called "Roundup Ready," designed and patented by Monsanto to withstand applications of their Roundup herbicide.
Other corporations creating GMOs are Dow, Syngenta, Bayer, Aquabounty and others.
What You Can Do:
The only way to avoid GMOs and toxic pesticides is to buy food that is certified organic.
GMOs are not labeled in the US and Canada, even though 64 other countries have made GMO labeling mandatory.
Since the percentages of GMO crops grown in the US are so high, you can probably assume that ingredients made from these crops are almost certainly GMO (unless it is certified organic or non-GMO verified).
Livestock is also predominantly fed GMO feed (corn, soybeans and cottonseed), unless the meat is also certified organic, or you know your farmer and their feeding practices. Buying organic is always a smart way to go if you can, or source your meat from someone you know who uses non-GMO feed and keeps their animals on pasture. I buy my beef from a friend in Wyoming who raises cattle on mountain pastures, and we buy our chicken and lamb from a local farm in Temecula, Primal Pastures.
What do you think? Do you worry about the prevalence of GMOs? Did you know what they were before reading this? Do you avoid GMOs? What's your opinion about them?
Let me know in the comments below!
More Reading:
The Center For Environmental Risk Assessment - GMO Crop Database
Articles about GMOs:
Does GMO Corn Really Cause Tumors in Rats? - Mother Jones
Genetically Engineered Salmon May Be A Tough Sell In U.S. - AP
U.S. GMO crops show mix of benefits, concerns - USDA report - Reuters
In a Grain of Golden Rice, A World of Controversy Over GMO Foods - NPR
Monsanto and Cargill Aggressively Pursue GE Soy Feed for Factory Fish-Farming Industry - Eco Watch
Herbicide-Resistant 'Super Weeds' Increasingly Plaguing Farmers - US News
'Superweeds' Linked to Rising Herbicide Use in GM Crops, Study Finds - Science Daily
Nearly Half of All US Farms Now Have Superweeds - Mother Jones
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Meditation To Fall Asleep + 5 Tips to Sleep Better
Studies have shown that insufficient sleep can lead to serious medical conditions and if you're not getting enough shut-eye, over time it can lead to a shortened lifespan! But if you ARE getting enough, there are a lot of health benefits from simply getting a good night's rest. I don't know about you but I really need and value my sleep. Even since my TBI (traumatic brain injury), my brain just needs more rest. Even though it's been 7+ years since it happened, I still function best after about 10 hours of quality sleep, not the frequently recommended 7-8 hours. Sleep has a massive impact on our health, TBI or not! And this easy meditation can help you get the sleep your body craves.
Studies have shown that insufficient sleep can lead to serious medical conditions and if you're not getting enough shut-eye, over time it can lead to a shortened lifespan! But if you ARE getting enough, there are a lot of health benefits from simply getting a good night's rest. I don't know about you but I really need and value my sleep. Even since my TBI (traumatic brain injury), my brain just needs more rest. Even though it's been 7+ years since it happened, I still function best after about 10 hours of quality sleep, not the frequently recommended 7-8 hours. Sleep has a massive impact on our health, TBI or not! And this easy meditation can help you get the sleep your body craves.
If you follow me on Instagram, I know I posted about Pilates yesterday and maybe made it sound like today's blog would be about that. It's not, so sorry if there's some confusion, but this is an extremely beneficial tool to have if you struggle with sleep. You know how you can be lying in bed, desperately wanting to fall asleep after your turn out the light, or you wake suddenly in the night for no reason and then can't get back to sleep? Your thoughts start going a mile a minute, you stress over stuff that you hadn't thought about all day, your thoughts go in circles, you get a knot in your stomach, you're restless, you toss and turn...
ME TOO. It used to happen to me a LOT. I knew that sleep was vital to my brain healing and overall health, so I'd get stressed out when I couldn't fall asleep. Which made sleeping even harder.
Until I started doing this.
When I started, I didn't even realize it was meditation. It just helped me go back to sleep. That's what matters, right? And these 5 things could help you sleep better, too:
• Shut off all mobile devices (smart phones, tablets, laptops) and the TV a half hour before you go to bed. Their use tends to rev up our brain for activity and the artificial light from these electronics has been shown to disrupt our natural sleep cycle. The blue light they emit in particular can interfere with the production of our sleep hormone, melatonin.
• Dim the household lights before you head off to bed. Just like using electronic devices, our household lights are also sources of artificial light and they can mess with the production of melatonin as well.
• Never sleep with your phone next to your bed! Text messages and notifications during the night can disrupt sleep, and a 2008 study showed that the radiation emitted from the phone makes it more difficult to sleep and can cause headaches.
• Make your bedroom an electronics-free zone. No TV, no mobile gadgets, no computers. I even moved our digital alarm clock to the office and got my husband and I analog, battery-powered alarm clocks with a much gentler alarm.
• Move your body. Exercise has been shown to improve the duration and quality of sleep! If you suffer from insomnia, it may take longer for your body to adjust and for the exercise to mute the body's stress response, but it does help.
Sleep can be affected (and helped) by many different things, so you will find what affects you most if you become more mindful of your nighttime routines. Read more about the dangers and effects technology can have on sleep here.
What about you? Have you noticed how any of these things affect your sleep, and do you notice a difference in how you feel and function depending on the amount and quality of the sleep you get? Are you struggling with getting a good night's sleep? Let me know in the comments below!
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